THE HOLIDAY FORM The First Story - May 2020

by Richard Tearle
(Based on a true story … )


Let's call him Piers Hihorse. Somehow, it suits him. He was one of my mid-morning customers so I was still in a reasonably good mood.
  Allow me to explain: I worked for the government then, collecting autographs. Yep, I was one of those annoying, officious, coffee drinking bastards who was employed at the Jobcentre and tasked with finding work for the unemployed. We had, very broadly speaking, three types of 'customer': those who had never worked and never would but looked down on us, swore at us, threatened us, caused scenes and frequently erroneously pointed out that 'they paid our wages'.  There  were those who genuinely wanted work, were grateful for any help from us, generally found employment fairly quickly and some even came back and thanked us. And then there were those who found themselves out of work when their company went bust or downsized or whatever. These were the people who had held responsibilities and often commanded high wages, which was their yardstick for their next job. They also often had mortgage insurance and in those days they had to provide proof that they were unemployed to get their mortgage paid. Needless to say, this was done via a special form which we had to fill out for them. They looked down on us too. Piers Hihorse fell into this category.
   The interview had gone quite normally. Interviews were limited to ten minutes per person as the recent recession had quadrupled our customer base. He'd done enough in terms of applying (without success) and his job search was adequate if limited. He was relying heavily on the 'Old Boys Network'. As far as I was concerned, the interview was over and it would be a fortnight before I needed to see him again.
  But Piers Hihorse just sat there, ignoring his cue. I stared at him quizzically. He was in his early forties, perhaps, casually yet expensively dressed, leaning – almost lolling – back in his seat. I could just picture him in a smart suit giving a caustic and sarcastic rebuke to a poor underling who had made some small error or other.
  'I have a question,' he suddenly announced in a manner which suggested I had better give him the answer he required.
   'Oh yes?'
   'Will it be alright if I signed a day early next time?'
   I put my pen down. 'I'm afraid not. It is possible to sign a day late if there is a good reason for you not to attend at your regular time – such as a job interview, for example. That has to be agreed in advance, of course, but it can be done. May I ask why you wish to sign early?'
   'I'm planning on going on holiday for a few days.'
  I smiled at him. Easy peasy. Might put me a little behind but quite normal. I opened my drawer and fished out the standard holiday form. 
   'That is quite alright. Subject to certain conditions: that it is in the UK, is for no longer than a fortnight and that you continue to look for work whilst you are away. There's a Jobcentre in just about every town so there's no problem there. If you wouldn't mind filling this form out and then I can book an appointment for as soon as possible after your return.'      I really could be quite nice at times even though he clearly had not heard a word I had said.
  Piers took the form from me and started completing the standard questions. 'Some chums and I are planning a jaunt to Jersey,' he murmured conversationally.
    I was alert all of a sudden. 'I'm sorry: did you say 'Jersey'?
  He looked up at me. 'Yes. It's in the Channel Islands.' As if I was an ignorant idiot.
   I bit back a retort and simply said, 'The Channel Islands aren't in the UK.'
   He continued to write. 'It's only Jersey.'
 'But not part of the British Isles or the UK. They have their own government.' I used to watch Bergerac, you know. 'May I?' I reached forward and took the form from him.
   I flipped the page back and found the section. Read him the relevant bits which included the Isles of Wight, Man, Shetland, Hebrides and so on. Neither the Channel Islands nor Jersey specifically were mentioned as allowable. Of course.
    'But it's only Jersey,' protested an aghast Piers.
  'Which', I replied with great patience, 'is classed as 'abroad'. Which means, I'm afraid, that you will have to sign off and reapply when you return.'
   'Sign off? What do you mean, sign off?'
   'You are going abroad. Anybody who goes abroad has to sign off. That is non-negotiable. Indeed, it's the law. Your claim will remain open until the day before you fly out and you can make your new claim from the day after you return.'
   He looked confused. 'So, let me get this straight. I can't go on holiday, because you say that Jersey is abroad, unless I sign off and reapply when I get back, causing you a lot of paperwork and a whole lot of inconvenience for me.'
   'Yes,' I said firmly. 'You see, Mr Hihorse, whilst abroad, there is no access to Jobcentre facilities, you won't be looking for work and you would be unable to attend any interviews whether they be with us or with a potential employer. And all that is against the agreement that you signed when you were first interviewed.' Like all of them, I knew he had not read the standard agreement and probably not listened to the adviser who had drawn it up.
    'So I can't go on holiday?'
   'You can go whenever and wherever you like,' I explained. 'As long as it is within the United Kingdom.'
    He leaned back, flung an arm up in the air in an expansive gesture. 'Oh, for God's sake: who in this day and age goes on holiday in the United Kingdom?' He almost looked triumphant.
    I remained calm. I did not lose my temper. 
   Looking him squarely in the eye and in a quiet voice I replied, 'Those of us who can't afford to go to Jersey.'
   He got up and stalked out of the building.
   We never saw Piers Hihorse again.

 ©Richard Tearle

Jersey harbour and castle
Photo: Pixabay

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 original comments from when this story was first published
(please do feel free to leave more!)
  1. If only this was an unusual occurrence haha. Nice story Rich...
  2. Lol - thanks mate!!
  3. E P
    Brilliant and accurate lol, I remember him well!
    1. Thought you might!!! xx

  4. JH
    �� Alas the holiday form is no more! Well done Richard
    1. Really? Blimey - things have changed!
    2. Well not for UC!!
  5. Ah, I remember you telling me about this "gentleman"! That was really well written, and an absolute accurate portrayal of such-like customers!! Love the Punch Line at the end. Well done x x x
    1. Thank you!!! xx
  6. Loved this story! It also reminded me of my holiday on Jersey... not needing a holiday form though!
  7. And all true - as has been verified!!




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