by Richard Tearle
(Based on a true
story … )
Let's call him Piers Hihorse. Somehow, it suits him. He was
one of my mid-morning customers so I was still in a reasonably good mood.
Allow me to explain: I worked for the government then,
collecting autographs. Yep, I was one of those annoying, officious, coffee
drinking bastards who was employed at the Jobcentre and tasked with finding
work for the unemployed. We had, very broadly speaking, three types of
'customer': those who had never worked and never would but looked down on us,
swore at us, threatened us, caused scenes and frequently erroneously pointed
out that 'they paid our wages'.
There were those who genuinely
wanted work, were grateful for any help from us, generally found employment
fairly quickly and some even came back and thanked us. And then there were
those who found themselves out of work when their company went bust or
downsized or whatever. These were the people who had held responsibilities and
often commanded high wages, which was their yardstick for their next job. They
also often had mortgage insurance and in those days they had to provide proof
that they were unemployed to get their mortgage paid. Needless to say, this was
done via a special form which we had to fill out for them. They looked down on
us too. Piers Hihorse fell into this category.
The interview had gone quite normally. Interviews were
limited to ten minutes per person as the recent recession had quadrupled our
customer base. He'd done enough in terms of applying (without success) and his
job search was adequate if limited. He was relying heavily on the 'Old Boys
Network'. As far as I was concerned, the interview was over and it would be a
fortnight before I needed to see him again.
But Piers Hihorse just sat there, ignoring his cue. I stared
at him quizzically. He was in his early forties, perhaps, casually yet
expensively dressed, leaning – almost lolling – back in his seat. I could just
picture him in a smart suit giving a caustic and sarcastic rebuke to a poor
underling who had made some small error or other.
'I have a question,' he suddenly announced in a manner which
suggested I had better give him the answer he required.
'Oh yes?'
'Will it be alright if I signed a day early next time?'
I put my pen down. 'I'm afraid not. It is possible to sign a
day late if there is a good reason for you not to attend at your regular time –
such as a job interview, for example. That has to be agreed in advance, of
course, but it can be done. May I ask why you wish to sign early?'
'I'm planning on going on holiday for a few days.'
I smiled at him. Easy peasy. Might put me a little behind
but quite normal. I opened my drawer and fished out the standard holiday form.
'That is quite alright. Subject to certain conditions: that it is in the UK, is
for no longer than a fortnight and that you continue to look for work whilst
you are away. There's a Jobcentre in just about every town so there's no
problem there. If you wouldn't mind filling this form out and then I can book
an appointment for as soon as possible after your return.' I really could be
quite nice at times even though he clearly had not heard a word I had said.
Piers took the form from me and started completing the
standard questions. 'Some chums and I are planning a jaunt to Jersey,' he
murmured conversationally.
I was alert all of a sudden. 'I'm sorry: did you say
'Jersey'?
He looked up at me. 'Yes. It's in the Channel Islands.' As
if I was an ignorant idiot.
I bit back a retort and simply said, 'The Channel Islands
aren't in the UK.'
He continued to write. 'It's only Jersey.'
'But not part of the British Isles or the UK. They have
their own government.' I used to watch Bergerac, you know. 'May I?' I
reached forward and took the form from him.
I flipped the page back and found the section. Read him the
relevant bits which included the Isles of Wight, Man, Shetland, Hebrides and so
on. Neither the Channel Islands nor Jersey specifically were mentioned as
allowable. Of course.
'But it's only Jersey,' protested an aghast Piers.
'Which', I replied with great patience, 'is classed as
'abroad'. Which means, I'm afraid, that you will have to sign off and reapply
when you return.'
'Sign off? What do you mean, sign off?'
'You are going abroad. Anybody who goes abroad has to sign
off. That is non-negotiable. Indeed, it's the law. Your claim will remain open
until the day before you fly out and you can make your new claim from the day
after you return.'
He looked confused. 'So, let me get this straight. I can't
go on holiday, because you say that Jersey is abroad, unless I sign off and
reapply when I get back, causing you a lot of paperwork and a whole lot of
inconvenience for me.'
'Yes,' I said firmly. 'You see, Mr Hihorse, whilst abroad,
there is no access to Jobcentre facilities, you won't be looking for work and
you would be unable to attend any interviews whether they be with us or with a
potential employer. And all that is against the agreement that you signed when
you were first interviewed.' Like all of them, I knew he had not read the
standard agreement and probably not listened to the adviser who had drawn it
up.
'So I can't go on holiday?'
'You can go whenever and wherever you like,' I explained.
'As long as it is within the United Kingdom.'
He leaned back, flung an arm up in the air in an expansive
gesture. 'Oh, for God's sake: who in this day and age goes on holiday in the
United Kingdom?' He almost looked triumphant.
I remained calm. I did not lose my temper.
Looking him
squarely in the eye and in a quiet voice I replied, 'Those of us who can't
afford to go to Jersey.'
He got up and stalked out of the building.
We never saw
Piers Hihorse again.
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original comments from when this story was first published
(please do feel free to leave more!)
(please do feel free to leave more!)
- PJ1 June 2020If only this was an unusual occurrence haha. Nice story Rich...
- Richard TearleLol - thanks mate!!
- E PBrilliant and accurate lol, I remember him well!
- Richard TearleThought you might!!! xx
- JH�� Alas the holiday form is no more! Well done Richard
- Richard TearleReally? Blimey - things have changed!
- JH1 June 2020 at 10:19Well not for UC!!
- Cazo28Ah, I remember you telling me about this "gentleman"! That was really well written, and an absolute accurate portrayal of such-like customers!! Love the Punch Line at the end. Well done x x x
- Richard TearleThank you!!! xx
- Helen HollickLoved this story! It also reminded me of my holiday on Jersey... not needing a holiday form though!
- Richard TerleAnd all true - as has been verified!!
